And then there were some things frustrating me. One of them: my milk barely came. I mean, I had drops at a time. At the hospital poor Olivia was hungry for two days because the nurses wouldn't give me formula and I didn't have much to feed her myself. They brought a hospital pump and after pumping for 10 minutes still nothing came out. Nada! On our last night the nurses finally gave me some formula and told me to feed her 10ml at a time. TEN MILLILITERS! That's not enough, but I didn't know it then. My poor baby was still hungry, and I felt guilty.
My doctor told me it could be because of all the stress my body went through with the c-section and all the meds. He said while most moms get their milk by the third day, I might get mine by the fifth day. So when the fifth day came and went and still no milk, I started to freak out. I REALLY want to breastfeed! That was the plan!! I started taking brewer's yeast, mother's milk plus, my mother was making sure I ate 6 healthy meals a day, lots of fluids, I was stimulating, pumping to try to stimulate even more, I was putting Olivia on the breast at every feeding, I saw three lactation specialists and did everything they told me to... but what am I gonna do when my child starts crying because there is nothing there? Am I going to let her starve? I chose not to. Finally this week, her fourth week in this world, I am starting to accept that breastfeeding is not going to happen. My doctor asked me to relax and enjoy Olivia, he said breastfeeding is not supposed to be stressful or depressing for me or the baby and if it doesn't happen... move on. And even though I cried every day for those first three weeks because of baby blues or whatever, and even though I still cry almost every time I feed her a bottle and not my milk, and even though I am crying now... I think this is my first experience as a mom that is showing me that things don't always go as we planned, as we wanted, as we thought would be best. For some reason it wasn't meant to be that I breastfeed my baby, my first baby, and maybe my only baby. It makes me sad, it makes me feel like a bad mother, it makes me wonder what else in the future I won't be able to do for my daughter... I hope not much!
So anyway, I gotta change the subject to stop the tears...
And so those first three weeks went by. I survived them! My mother, again, and Trevor, have been an incredible support. Without my mother here I don't know what I would have done... I really don't! She massaged my feet and legs many times in the day, she spent the nights with Olivia for those first three weeks so I could sleep, she bathed her, she changed her, she cooked and cleaned and made sure I had less and less reasons to cry, and she did make my days a LOT better each day.
And nowadays I feel better. I think my hormones are going back to normal and I am not too emocional anymore. I look at Olivia and can't imagine loving her one ounce more, and then next thing I know she makes a funny face or noise and, there it is, I CAN indeed love her even MORE! It's amazing!
I am sharing some pictures of her cuz she is just so cute! I love her so much! I can't imagine life without my baby girl!
Thank you, friends, for visiting and posting!
All girly on April 4
Loving the couch on April 5
Two weeks check up on April 6
Sleeping like an angel on April 11
Smiling at grandma on April 13
Letting mommy take pics of her on April 16
23 comments:
Kika, li esse teu post e a primeira coisa que tenho a te dizer lindona eh que eu te admiro muito e agradeco por voce compartilhar sua experiencia aqui. Eu ainda nao sou uma mamae but I look foward. Mesmo assim sei que nao deve ser facil nao poder amamentar. Mas saiba de qualquer forma a sweet olivia te ama independente de qualquer coisa e o que ela sempre vai estar starving for eh o teu amor, carinho e atencao e isso tneho certeza que voce sera capaz de estar ali pra essa pequenina sempre. Kika, como o medico falou MOVE ON e aproveita essa tua baby que eh tao fofa. Aproveita essa fase dela porque cada momento eh unico. Espero que vc possa ficar bem e saiba Kika que a gente nao se conhece pessoalmente ainda mas tneho orado por ti. Amo tua pessoa e tenho aprendido muito de ti mesmod e longe daqui do Arizona. Fica firme e somente seja grata pela bencao maravilhosa de estar com saude e forca pra segurar tua pequena nos teus bracos. Um forte abraco Kika da Julia : )
Breastfeeding can be very hard!I always get upset when some of the moms think that because it was easy for them,anybody can do it. My milk also took a few days to come in,and I was pumping at the hospital all the time! We did give Sam formula at the hospital because his blood sugar was low and we had to get it up in order for him to leave the hospital with us. So from the very beginning I was supplementing with formula, I had to!I really was not producing enough to satisfy him. By the time he was 2 months old, my milk was pretty much gone.Try not to feel bad, so many moms struggle with that. You are a great mom, and don't worry, those baby blues usually subside after the first few weeks.I hope you get to enjoy every stage of motherhood, they grow up so fast! Bjus!
It's ok, I cried every day for three months before I figured out what was going on with me (depression). There is little worse than feeling like you can't provide for your baby!
I remember one night in particular where I cried hard because it hurt too bad to nurse. Everyone kept telling me it shouldn't hurt, that I was doing something wrong, but I'd had 3 lactation nurses tell me I was doing everything right.
In any case, what I'm trying to say is that motherhood is rarely what we expect. Sometimes it breaks our hearts to have our expectations let down and the rest of the time, our hearts are lifted higher than we could imagine by the feats we achieve as mothers.
The best part of a formula fed baby is that Trevor can participate in feeding Olivia. That in turn, helps them to bond more closely, give you a bit more freedom, and you'll never have to worry that she's going hungry.
Love ya tons, hang in there and let me know if there is anything at all that you need!! And I mean it!
I'm sorry breastfeeding didn't work out for you. I went through heck with Jared, too. He just cried and cried because he was hungry. Probably the same nurses gave me 10 mL of formula, and it helped for about 1/2 an hour. With Zach, I said to heck with it and gave him bottles in the hospital and until my milk came in.
It's strange to think that you can never have a particular experience in this life. I had a really hard time scheduling my second c-section because I wanted to experience pushing a baby out. I never even got to try. You're right, some things just aren't meant to happen.
Wow, you sure gave it everything you had! You don't need to feel bad. You didn't give up, you just realized when any more effort wasn't going to make a difference. Giving up is when something is hard and you just don't want to even try.
It's really late, so I don't know if any of that made sense :)
She's adorable, and I love her smile!
Poxa Kika, eu imagino oq quão triste deve ser não acontecer algumas coisas q vc esperar e gostaria tanto q acontecessem. É de partir o coração. Mas fico feliz q vc seja forte e esteja tenha Trevor e a sua mãe pra te apoio e ajudar mto a passar por isso!!
bjs
I am sorry you weren't able to breastfeed little Olivia. That can be a huge let down. But you are doing the best that you know how for your baby- and that is admirable. You are a wonderful mother, don't ever forget that! You have a beautiful baby girl! I LOVE the pictures.
Kika
Muito admirável vc compratilhar essa sua experiência,viu?!?
Vou torcer pro melhor acontecer e se for vc dar de mamar com seu próprio peito,então que assim seja.
Mas saiba que minha prima tb ñ tinha mto leite, ela amamentava minhas priminhas com NAN(ñ sei se tem isso nos EUA,mas of course que deve ter rs).
Agora pq vc ñ experimenta Canjica?!dizem que dá leite..
Mas enfim, a pituca da Olívia é simplesmente LINDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
Vc e Trevor capricharam nela, ñ podia ser mais linda,viu?!?!?!!?
Qndo vieres ao Brasil,vou agarrar e bjar mtoooooooooooooooo esta nenem.
Relaxe e tente ñ pensar no leite,pq ai quem sabe ele virá.
Saiba q vc é mto amada por nós,viu?!?!?!?
Bjus em vc e na gracinha da Olivia
Dear Friend,
It was good to hear from you on your blog. I know how you felt i the past 3 weeks and let me tell you what you already know;) It is so normal:) I cried for months when i got home from the hospital with my second son. Sometimes i couldn't even tell why i'm crying i just did.
As others told you you are doing an amazing job as a new mom. Thank heavens we have formula these days. they are good for babies, healthy and good for little tummies. Your little Olivia will be a big healthy girl even without breastmilk. You're doing a great job azn you are a good mom. Never believe anything else!
hugs
oh and by the way- she is so cute. She looks like you!
pois 'e menina. Todo mundo fala do parto mas ninguem nos "warn" do que vem depois n'e? Eh mesmo muito estresse, muito cansaco. E as primeiras semanas sao brutais. Eu me lembro de chorar a noite toda, junto com o Thomas, que nao dormia e nao queria nada com nada. But it does get better. Mas o cansaco e o estresse continuam. Nao que eu queira acabar com toda sua esperanca... hahaha, mas continuam, mas ao mesmo tempo, a coisa melhora. Aguente firme, a aproveite cada minuto, eu sinto muito nao ter aproveitado mais essa fase do Thomas. Eu me consumi tanto no cansaso e estresse que nao aproveitei tantoq uanto poderia, e agora me arrependo. Leve um dia de cada vez. FORCA! bjos
I love the name Olivia I love how beautiful she is! Enjoy every bit of her that you can. I am glad that she is getting fed, no matter the method. ;) Seriously she is so adorable!!!
ei mulher, que linda ela eh....!
ah como vcs devem ta felizes com um pedacinho do ceu pra cuidar =)
bjos
Amiga, eu entendo oq vc sentiu 100%! Mas como vc ja disse: Passa! Eh super normal a gente ficar se culpando e ate mesmo se comparando a outras maes. Cada caso é um caso. Cmg foi o seguinte, eu n conseguia dar de mamar pro meu primeiro baby. Eu tinha leite mas doía pra caramba. Meu seio sangrava d+ e eu ficava nauseada td vez q tinha q dar de mamar. Cada caso é um caso. N se preocupe e nem se culpe! Vc é uma otima mãe!!! Tire isso da sua cabecinha ta? E enjoy sua princesinha linda!!!bjosss
Girlfriend, you are one strong chica!!! I'm pretty sure I would've given up loooooong before you did!! And as I'm sure you already know, it definitely doesn't make you in any way less of a fabulous mommy!!! (c: Yeah, the hormones REALLY get to you those first weeks...but slowly but surely things get back to "normal" (the new normal, because things are never the same in the *best* possible way) and you get a routine, you feel like yourself again. Don't forget to take time to do stuff for yourself, even if it's just for a minute (remember it doesn't make you a bad mom, it makes you SANE!!!)...You seem like you are weathering it incredibly well anyways and are the mother of just about the most adorable thing on the planet...oh my gosh she is so darn cute, enjoy every second!!! Amamos voce e sua fofinha!
The best you can do is try and try hard and you went above and beyond, so way to go! (i'm talking about the breastfeeding by the way...haha). I just have to reiterate what others have said and being that motherhood is not what we always expect and sometimes it does't turn out how we wanted, but hey, these little kiddos are SOOO worth it! You're a great mama and little Olivia is just precious!
ow kika eu sei bem do que vc estah falando.Quando eu tive o liam eu nao tinha leite, eu chorava feito loka, entao depois de 5 dias eu tive tao pouco que ele tinha que tomar formula e entao ele teve que parar de amamentar, pois o que eu tinha nao era nada e nao criava mais.
Quando eu tive o nathan, o leite veio em dois dias, mas depois de duas semanas, eu estava numa depressao tao grande por estar amamentando que o medico falou que era melhor eu parar, mas eu chorava e sofri tanto nessa epoca.
Depois quando a Evelyn nasceu, eu amamentei no comecinho, mas jah parei logo na primeira semana quando comecou a depressao, o John nem queria que eu tentasse amamentar quando tive a Evelyn, por causa da experiencia passada, mas eu queria tentar, mas nao consegui, ainda mais que quando eu tive a Evelyn, minha mae nao pode vir e tive cesaria com ela, entao estavamos sozinhos com duas criancas pequenas e eu de cesaria, o nathan ainda tinha 11 meses quando a evelyn nasceu e o liam estava com 2 anos e 6 meses, entao nao foi facil operada com essas tres criancas e sem minha mae aqui, mas passamos, tudo ficou bem no final.
Eu sei como isso pode ser dificil, eu passei pela mesma coisa tres vezes e nas tres vezes a depressao me poegou forte, mas ainda bem que passa...nao se preocupe com isso nao kika, o que importa eh o amor que existe entre mae e filha, isso eh maior que amamentar.
bjos linda.
Eh bate mesmo um desespero de nao sabermos o que fazer... Eh dificil, mas quem disse que seria facil nao eh mesmo? Tu eh uma guerreira mulher, te admiro mto visse? Nos entramos nessa quase ao mesmo tempo e realmente nao eh facil, mas eh vivendo e aprendendo. Olivia esta cada dia mais gata, entao minha filha vc nao precisa se preocupar com nada!!! vamos marcar de nos encontrar de novo!
bjokas
Meu bem, Olivia eh o melhor presente que o Pai poderia lhe dar... O resto eh so extra que pode vir no pacote ou nao... E tas vendo ai? Olivia ABALANDO??? Ela FECHA! Minha sobrinha maravilhosa que dorme no colo de titia toda aberta!!!! heheheheh. Te amo, tu sabe ne sua tchonga!!!
Olha, vou te falar uma coisa kika. Eu sei que eu fui abencoada de ter leite e tals mas as vezes eu queria ter tido uma desculpa pra dar formula pro meu filho. Eu sofri mto por uns 3 meses pra dar de mama, foi pior doq qq dor q eu tive durante a gravidez, durante e pos-parto, td. Foi mto, mto dificil mesmo. Hoje meu filho nao pega uma mamadeira por nada nesse mundo. Nem quando eu pump. Eu nao posso sair, nao posso deixar ele mto tempo com ng e ele ficou mto apegado a mim por causa disso, e ele dorme no colo de td mundo, menos no meu, pq aih ele sempre acha que ele tem que mamar qdo eu pego ele deitadinho assim no meu colo. Foi por mto amor mesmo que eu fiz isso mas as vezes eu fico pensando, "Sera que foi worth it?" sabe. Nem chupeta ele pega mais e aih fica dificil. Eu sonhava em ter parto normal e tb nao deu certo. E minha recovery foi mto boa. Eu fiquei perfeita rapidinho, sem nenhuma dor. Meu bebe nasceu perfeito tb, nada de mal aconteceu. Eh isso que importa! A Olivia esta linda, cheia de saude. A Jasmine tomou formula desde que nasceu e nunca vi crianca mais healthy q ela.
Entao eh isso Kika, eh meio dificil no comeco, mas como vc mesma disse, it does get better!!!!!
Hey Kika! Thanks for the post. I had a similar experience with the whole breastfeeding issue and with all the crying for who knows why. Just know that those first few weeks were the absolute hardest time you will have with your baby, so it gets MUCH better from here. Also, you'll be feeling better after the surgery and back to your old self in the next few weeks.
Just remember that other women have done this before and actually decide to do it again because those sweet little babies are all worth it. I remember telling my husband in those first few weeks after I had Caleb that he better enjoy Caleb because I would never go through this whole newborn thing again. But, I changed my mind later on when things got better. :)
Kika, lindona, eu realmente nao posso te falar nada e compartilhar nenhuma historia jah que eu nunca passei por isso... Mas obrigadao por compartilhar tuas aventuras de maternidade conosco e me ajudar a me preparar para o dia que decidirmos trazer um anjinho para a nossa familia tb... Teu blog estah sendo super educativo, jamais eu parei para pensar nos detalhes da maternidade... Infelizmente nao posso ajudar, eh vc quem estah me ajudando nesse momento, mas saiba que nao eh nada dishonorable nao poder amamentar tua filhinha com teu proprio leite. Tda mulher eh diferente e nao tem nada de errado nisso!! Tu es sim uma mae cuidadosa, amavel e uma natural at it, eh esse teu chamado e o Senhor nao colocaria Olivia nas tuas maos se Ele nao achasse que vc iria cuidar dela - com leite ou sem leite. Td que ela precisa eh muito amor e um lar seguro, coisas que vc e Trevor tem de sobra.
Beijao lindona e fique bem, tu es uma mae SUPERB!!!!!
Hello! You don't know me :) I found your blog through Leah and Hank Florence. Hank is my husband's cousin. I was reading your post about not being able to breast feed. I am so sorry. I had to stop feeding my first early as well. I tried pumping but that didn't work out so great. My second I nursed in tears for 3 months trying to push past an infection that I had to surrender to. With my 3rd and 4th I 'knew' I had to quit before I even began. Never once did it not hurt...I cried for weeks every time. The thought that always has crossed my mind is that be a good mom then I had to breastfeed, that somehow I was failing my children by not doing so. I bawled every time I had to give them a bottle for quite sometime. People always say it doesn't make or break you as mom, but if that is what you had always dreamnt of and hoped for their words mean nothing. It has only been through prayer that my heartache has been eased. It is only through heavenly insight that I was able to move on, but you never forget. I am sorry that you had to experience that. I am glad that you had your mother there with you. It sounds like you two have a great relationship. Being a mother is the scariest most rewarding thing :) Congrats on your beautiful baby girl. And I hope for you all the best and the happiest of memories in your journey of being her mother.
(((hugs))) I'm so sorry that the first few weeks were so hard. I'm so sorry you can't breastfeed, but that DOESN'T make you a bad mom. Sometimes, it just doesn't work out...like you're finding out, that happens a lot when you're a mom. I'm so glad that you're getting used to the whole mom gig. It really does just get better and better (well...most days;)
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