{Too Much Information} but... I need to vent!
Sometimes I don't know what's going on with my mind. Is this post partum depression? Am I just still missing my mom? Still insecure? Will I a;ways be this forgetful, this dyslexic, this absent minded? At work I read to people numbers and names that aren't even on the screen. I had always been the most reliable employee but I forget the policies now, and the rules, and the basics of what I have been doing for the past 3 years. Whattheheck?!?!? I mean, I do have a bottle of "happy pills" waiting to be taken to help me feel better but why can't I EVER even remember to take them?! I do love my husband, so very much, but so frequently I have felt that Olivia is the thread that holds my life together... I wouldn't care much not being part of this world if it weren't for her, to be with her, to take care of her... Her smile makes me feel worth of all of this, somehow. Is this silly? Stupid? I don't know! I remember loving summer time, being outside, going swimming, being with friends. Not long time ago I loved being online, and blogging and sharing my life with my friends and family, now I sit here in front of this computer and spend the little time I have doing nothing important and telling myself "maybe later I'll write a few words about how Olivia is doing and etc." But 'later' never comes... I know I NEED to have a somewhat clean environment around me, and now I feel lost in chaos and messy rooms. I couldn't go to bed without taking a shower, feeling clean, smelling good, and now I really couldn't care less about how I look. I stopped caring so much that after effortlessly losing more than my baby weight in her first three weeks of life, I have gained almost all of it back. I stepped on the scale today and seriously felt sick, mad at myself for letting it happen. Yeah I will try to work out and eat well from now on but, you know what, I don't really care that much to stick to it. I HOPE I will but... I don't know. No energy. No strength. I need something and I don't know what it is. I know I am tired of it, it needs to change and it needs to change soon! Anyway... we see our doctor tomorrow for Olivia's 4months check up... hopefully he'll know what I need because I... I don't know anymore.
Walks and Snuggles
1 week ago
14 comments:
Oi Kika!Estava lendo seu post.
A vida da gente muda muito depois q temos filhos,étanta coisa envolvida nisso,tbm já me senti triste algumasvezes,com muitas coisas pra fazer e n conseguindo fazer,e o peso entao? Samuel já tem 1 ano e 7 meses..e minha barriga ainda está aqui comigo ehehheheh.
Procure n exigir tanto de vc e nem se sobrecarregar,e tenho feito algumas coisas.. procuro sair sozinha com Eduardo,deixo Samuel com alguém(babbysitter) ou parentes e amigas...Tbm estou na luta pra emagrecer,tenho feito metas pra isso.
Eu li certa vez numa Liahona num discurso q falava um pouco sobre as maes..e dizia q irao existir dias dificeis,estressantes,chatos...mas q devemos procurar coisas q gostamos de fazer e no tempo q conseguirmos faze-las.Ler bons livros,se dedicar a algum hobby,aprender algo novo.....
Sei q é dificil tendo uma bebe bem novinha,mas lembre-se: "vc está fazendo algo tao importante q é se doando,tempo,talento,seu amor...para Olivia,nada é mais precioso e sagrado q isso."
Mas n se esqueça da mulher linda,habilidosa,inteligente q vc é,.só precisa lembrar isso todo dia!!E n esquecer q seu marido tbm necessita sua atenção, cuidados...
Querida,esperoq tudo fique bem.Ore ao Pai Celestial pra q esses sentimentos ruins sejam tirados de vc.E faça um alista das suas bençãos....vc vai se sentir melhor.
bjão om Amor
Sammy
Kikete
Algumas coisas eu consigo entender por aqui,mas outras as vezes preciso jogar no google tradutor,mas toda vez que tento copiar o texto pra jogar lá,ñ consigo.
Então pelo que entendi vc anda tristinha,é?!
Ounnnnnn Kikete ñ fique assim.
Vc precisa sair, encontrar as amigas, ter um passeio (Sozinha) ao lado de Trevor e com crtza toda essa sensação ruim,irá passar.
Me explica direitinho,pq a anta aqui entende só um pouco de inglês hahahahahhaa...
vou orar por ti e tenho crtza que td vai dar certo.
Se precisar,tô aqui pro que vc PRECISAR,ok?!
]Bjossssss
Amo vc!
Hi dear,
I wish i could understand all those words what your friends posted:)
First of all I think you're not alone. We all feel the same way sometimes. All the moms i mean:) Having a first child it is a big adjusting even after 4 months of age. things are never going to be the same again. Sometimes even just the fact that you're a nursing mom can change everything in your mind, and your soul. I have days when i don't even want to put make up on or even dress. I have days when i don't even want to get up just sleep so i wouldn't have to do anything. I have nights when i don't even take care of my teeth because i'm just too tired to do it. So don't be worried...everything is normal. What to do i'm not sure. I always pray so often to get help from Heaven to be the person whi i need to be. As a mom, wife, friend, visiting teacher, member of the church and so on. That helps.
Keep up your good work. You're wonderful!
kika querida... bem vinda ao motherhood. eu tb ainda hj as vezes sinto um certo desespero... um pouco de pot partum depression, mesmo sendo quase um ano! eu tb tinha tantas prioridades e hj nao me importo com a grande maioria. o thomas 'e minha vida e tudo que faco 'e por ele. essa e uma conexao que so nos mae entendemos, so nos que sentimos.
depois de um tempo eu percebi que tb estava me largando, deixando o johan mto de lado e a casa. entao decidi fazer algumas coisas. primeiro de tudo - me cuidar. eu ainda tenho um bom tanto do meu preg. weight pra perder, mas tenho procurado nao me preocupar mto com isso... se ano so me sinto mal. mas tenho me arrumado. nao ficado so de pijama o dia todo. me arrumo como se eu fosse sair. e menina, let me tell you, so isso ja faz tanta diferenca!!! de noite, depois que eu chego do trabalho, e depois que o johan chegar, a gente combinou que eu tenho uma hr just for me. as vezes eu saio com alguem, ou mesmo sozinha, as vezes eu tomo um banho bem longo, as vezes eu so fico no meu quarto lendo ou sei la. mas 'e sozinha e uninterrupeted.
eu sei bem como vc esta se sentindo, e vc nao 'e a unica que se sente assim. the trick 'e nao se deixar afundar demais. converse com seu medico, take time for yourself, tire tempo como casal (isso tb e mto importante).
there is light at the end of the tunnel.... prometo :o)
(-- Anna)
Dear Kika:
Sometimes I think the hardest thing after having a baby is knowing if what you're feeling is what everyone feels, or if it's something you need outside help to get on top of. I know that I felt all the emotions you are going through. Being a mom is HARD.
But I also think there is ABSOLUTELY no shame in getting help if you need it. Taking care of you is the most important thing you need to do to take care of your beautiful baby. I think talking to your doctor is smart.
I love you. Again, if you need to talk, give me a call. If you need someone to stay at your home so you can think for a minute, I'll be there.
That sounds like depression to me, and you are not alone with it. Get the help you need, whatever form it may be in.
My thoughts are with you.
Kika- The transition to motherhood was the hardest one I have ever made. You're not alone- and asking for help can only make things better.
Thinking of you!
Oh kikinha! I think that new moms all go through those feelings. Just call them the "baby blues." I think it's because this baby has come and is so dependent on you that they need to be the center of your universe. Your husband, unfortunately, takes the back seat for a while, but I promise, it does get better.
We gotta talk!!! I so understand what you're saying, but please don't feel this way for any time longer! Go get help, go see a doctor, please be happy again!! Estou contigo, sinto-me do mesmo jeito as vezes e nao entendo porque me sinto assim quando meu coracao sabe que eu sou uma pessoa abencoada demais e deveria ser feliz e grata pra sempre.... Mas, como vc vc sabe, nossos niveis de serotonina sao meio doidos de vez em quando e nao importa o que mais de precioso temos nas nossas vidas, quao abencoadas somos, a gente ainda se sente sem razao para continuar sendo parte desse mundo... Sinto tanto por ti, espero que vc tome seus remedios para te ajudar, tah? Pelo menos pra passar por essa fase de adaptacao e depois tu sai dos remedios e lida com td direitinho sem eles....
Beijao minha amiga, e me ligue se precisares!!!
Uh. . .WHAT??? Okay, now I am seriously worried. . .I too am on the "happy pills" but still feel the same way you just described. . .but I always hoped that once I had a baby it would make everything all better, make life worth living for. So now I'm completely freaking out that it doesn't really change anything!
Sorry I don't have any advice to give. . .just shared sympathy since I know how you feel!
Kika....call me! I am feeling the EXACT same way! Honestly, I have been on antidepressants for five years now and I am still depressed. I think Brighton has thrown me all out of whack....but I feel the same. I live for her. I have had a lack of interest in my appearance...gained weight, haven't blogged...everything you said. We need to talk. I feel like crap too. I love you.
Girly, as shown by all the responses above, you have so, SO many people that think you are AMAZING! Being a mom isn't for the faint hearted, is it? (c: It is so easy to get bogged down in the day to day, especially when you have to work and keep up a home on top of your baby. Please don't let it get in the way of the happy and cheerful person that everyone knows and loves...you have so many blessings, remember that when you are "anxiously engaged in a good cause" you will have the peace that goes with following Heavenly Father's counsels. There is also absolutely NOTHING WRONG with venting, getting together with other moms (they ALL feel the same way!), and getting away by yourself and doing something just for you. You can't take care of other people if you don't take care of yourself first. Love ya, beautiful girl!!!
I know some people think that what you said is normal. It is, to a certain extent, but probably not ALL the things you said. I probably wouldn't have known any better if it hadn't been for all the crap I've been through in the past 2 years. Oh man, I thought I knew what depression was. You just don't unless you go through it. The fact that you're tired of it is a good sign. I'm getting tired of it, too, but I can't start taking anything right now. So I've decided to do some things that used to make me happy, to see if that helps. Like playing old CD's from college I just found in a box. But like you said, I don't know what I need anymore.
And I've been waiting for the motivation to clean up for ages now. I think that's the part of me that's taken the hardest hit, and you know why.
What did the doctor say? Email me!
(((hugs))) A little bit of what you're feeling a normal part of the transition to mommyhood...however, a lot of what you're feeling is not and outside help is never a bad thing. I wish I had known that when I had PPD with Ezra.
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