I Did Not Ask Permission To Do This

But I am sure my dear DIL (dad-in-law) doesn't mind.
A couple of weeks ago I posted about a little heartbrake I am trying to recover from. My sweet, kind, loving and wise dad sent me an email that has been echoing in my head since then:

Dearest Kika;
Lost friendship is often like losing someone you love to death. It is natural to grieve. It is healthy to grieve. Only, with death, we know we will be reunited with that loved one we have lost temporarily. With a lost friend, however, there may never be sweet reunion, as well as the long sought closure we seek. I think it is harder for women to lose a friend than it is for a man. Women form strong bonds, tell each other secrets, cry together, laugh together. men do some of that stuff, but not much.
This I know, whoever this person is, she is aware of your pain and I am sure she reads your blog and has been monitoring it from time to time. She knows. This means that she is sadiscally witholding her friendship from you and feels justified for some reason. Your pain has been apparent, your need for closure is obvious. I don't know if you will ever get that from this individual. I hope you do. Plant your seeds of friendship in fertile ground. there are a lot of people that love you and appreciate you for what you are; beautiful, intelligent, funny, talented, kind, spiritual and warm. You're a wonderful mother and wife, and you have a strong love for the Lord. All your hopes and dreams will be realized in this life at some point. Be patient, be prayerful, be forgiving, be serving. The Lord is aware of your pains and burden. Call upon Him with great faith and He will lift them from your shoulders. Thank you for bringing Olivia into the world! She is a bright light that brings us all great joy!
Love,
Dad

Be patient, be prayerful, be forgiving, be serving.
That is exactly what I need to be! New Years Resolution? I hope so!
Thanks for reminding me, Dad. I love you!

Fake Apologies

I think everybody knows what happened this Sunday at the 2009 VMAs, I don't have tv right now and I know. Then Kanye West went to tv show(s) and radio(s) to say that he's sorry. I don't believe him. I believe he is sorry that his stupidity and jack*$$ness got caught on camera but his apology did not seem sincere to me.

See, sometimes (or most the time) we tell someone we are sorry just because we know it is the right thing to do. We have all done it, sometimes we just know in our heads that we should say 'sorry' but we don't necessarily feel it in our hearts. I remember once learning that if I have offended someone and it has been brought to my attention, the right thing to do would be to say I am sorry. Then, it's up to the other person to forgive me. I have said "sorry" so... if the person does not forgive me then it's not my fault anymore, right? The ball is on their court.

Deep down, I think that's pretty lame. Call me weirdo but I think we can all tell when an apology is sincere, and when it's fake. I can. I have received one of these ones recently and it just... sucks. It sucks because it is clear that it was just "the right thing to do." It sucks because it was short and with not much thought put into it. It sucks because it came right after the words "I love you" and since then the person has done absolutely NOTHING to demonstrate that so called love to me. It sucks because it came from someone who has blocked me out of their live but loves to know what's going on with mine. And it sucks even more because I was fool enough to believe in it and now am hurt again.

I don't even call it fake apology alone... I call it hypocrisy.
But that's just my two cents... what's yours?

Two Sides

I go to therapy.
And I love it.
I can't say everybody needs it but I will say that everyone can benefit from it.
I love learning about myself and what to expect - or not! - from others and the world around me.

Due to some very recent events in which I tried to offer something to someone and it wasn't received in the way that I would expect, this week we talked about the act of giving, and how there are two sides to it: the side of the giver and the side of the receiver. Even though this sounds obvious, I had never thought about it like that. In my simplistic world, I believe I need to be grateful for everything I ever receive from any and everyone. I believe that beggers cannot be choosers and I don't care if a gift came from Nordstrom or DI, if it is a gift, I am happy with it, for it demonstrates that someone took some time to think about me and, in their capability, attempted to make me happy. I am grateful for that! I am gratefull for the feeling behind giving. So when I am on the other side of the equasion, as a receiver, I do my best to demonstrate that the offer was accepted and appreciated.

Now, have I ever been offered something I didn't like, or need, or want? Sure have, who hasn't?! When I was in Portugal last year I was offered wine about three times a day! Was I rude to these people when I said no? Nope. Trevor and I would say "You know, I imagine this is the best wine in the world as you are saying, but we abstain from alcoholic beverages so we can't have any. Thank you though. We'll try grape juice!" They weren't offended, I didn't feel bad denying the offer, everyone wins. But lets change the scenario here...

Lets say you know someone who is in need of something. A piece of clothing, a ride, a day out in the part, a hug, whatever. You like that person, he/she is, in your opinion, your friend. You come up with a way to provide that person with that thing which he/she needs but when it is time to make the offer, that person denies it because it is not good enough, its not fancy, it's not name brand, it's not their style, they didn't like it... they just refuse right there, on your face, it wasn't what they expected to receive so they won't take it. Is that even acceptable? Why do I have such a hard time with the fact that what I offer, which is always 110% of myself or what I have, might not be good enough to someone else? Why does it hurt? Why does it disappoint me? Why does it make me want to move to Mars???

That, and so many other silly and obvious "things" like that, is why I am in therapy, ladies and gentlemen!
I just don't get it...
As Dr M says, if I do want to continue being a giving person I have to accept that after I complete the act of giving, I have no control over the act of receiving. I need to not be sad or upset or disappointed when the receiver reacts in a way that I don't consider to be right or moral or human or nice. I need to let it go. Either that, or I stop giving at all if I can't handle the other side of the act. How do I do that though? I don't think I would be me if I quit being a giving person. Could I? Should I?

As my first therapist in the US, Dr D.J. would say, every blessing can be a curse. In this case, the blessing would be the inclination to be a giving person. The curse would be the other side of that equastion when the person doesn't show gratitude and that affects te giver....

And here I am, confused, sad, disappointed, tormented.
Do I change me if I can't change the world?
Or do I not change anything and find a way to move to Mars?

I see many more hours of therapy in my future.
Thank you, humanity! And goodnight.